birth

there are certain days when i feel hyper aware of me
but they are one in a million.
i grew walls so big that not even i could hear what was happening inside
i was so used to it that it seemed like i was the walls of expectations over my body
the outside world would hit me all the time
i was strong. i could take it.
most people didn’t even notice they never actually heard what i had to say
me included.

sometimes the walls felt like mirrors turned outwards
people do like to see themselves reflected back somewhere. even in others.
i became so sensitive to what would have to be my next movement, my next phrase
that i’d live in flight or fight mode
eager to show what was appropriate, what others wanted to see.
always ready
to disappear.

the wall seems to be the part of me that fights back
(or does it reflect back the violence?)
the wall is so strong
it can lift anything and carry all weights by numbing their own pain.
the wall can replicate angry words.
the wall allows me not to really be there
and it is really good at not looking at itself, a defense mechanism

it started to feel suffocating to half-exist underneath
i was punching the wall from inside out. i hated it.
ever since, that seems to be a crack from which the light finds its way in
Under this timid and very thin ray of sunshine, i breathed deeply.
everything seemed to stop
and it felt like i needed to be in silence
to finally listen to (not the words) the calm and quiet whispers
of a soft and gentle voice of my intuitions
almost like a vanishing secret waiting to be fed
i am looking at her. me.
she’s got big eyes and she is quiet in the way that says a lot
she doesn’t need to put things into words. she knows.

she feels. she intentionally observes.
the wall is uncomfortable, it never knew how to not say anything back
it did not know its own words, so it was constantly trying to guess
what others would say
it was living vicariously
she me, on the other hand, pays attention.
not merely answering back, contemplating what the internal answer is
as if every move and word was owned by her my will.
i still do not fully comprehend
the foreign language she speaks when she whispers in my ears
perhaps i too need to quiet down.
what does she have to say?
this.
i’m here.
have always been
you just didn't see me